The Loss of a Baby Cousin

Hey there.  I've been kind of missing this past week.  I found out this Monday that my baby cousin (2nd gen cousin) passed away recently.  It devastated me.  Especially since my little baby cousin's dad (1st gen cousin) and I grew up together and I've always felt close to him.  It's tough to have to bury a child.  It is the most devastating thing that a parent would ever have to endure.  While at the viewing, I couldn't but to get choked up.  A small angel... lying there motionless is not what a baby should be.  A child is the epitome of life, the essence of joy, and the very definition of a growing family.  To have a young one be taken away from you before he had a chance to experience the outside world, shattered those thoughts for my cousin, his wife, and the whole family.

To see my little baby cousin be buried reminded me of when my father was buried.  I would get a flashback here and there and the pain crept it's way back into me.  Don't get me wrong, I've been to funerals before and they all still hurt me to this day, but this was different.  It seemed unfair that my little cousin didn't get to be a troublemaker, didn't get a chance to drive his dad crazy, and didn't get a chance to make them proud.  That fact hurt me and it still hurts.  Ever since I found out about his passing, I've been in a funk.  Hence, why I haven't really posted anything since last week.

When I went to go visit my cousin during his time of need, his aunt was there was well.  She is a spiritual woman, and with good reason, but that story is for another day.  What she said to my wife and I is something that is still fresh in my mind.  She said that God works in mysterious ways.  We are all His children and death is just a part of life.  Our parents are the vessels that God has allowed us to enter this world but in the end, we are still his children and we are here with a purpose.  What that purpose is, is not always clear.  What my baby cousin's purpose was, we still don't know, but what she is certain is that while still in the womb, my baby cousin completed his purpose and was summoned back to join God.  Whether you believe in God or not is completely up to you.  I have never really been a religious person, but what she said was interesting to say the least.

I often wondered why my dad would be taken from us before he even hit his 30s.  This was over 20 years ago today, but hearing what my cousin's aunt said helps dull the pain a bit.  I can speculate as to what my father's purpose in life was but I will never know.  What I do know, however, is that his passing molded my brother, mother, and I into the people we are today.  I felt a stronger bond with my brother after our dad's passing and it may be because I was now "the man of the house."  It may sound stupid for a 9 year old to say that but that how old I was and that's kind of how I felt.  Was my dad's passing meant to strengthen that bond with my brother?  Was it meant to strengthen and develop a nurturing trait in me?  Or was it just something that happened where there is no greater meaning to it?  For those that know me personally, I don't live my life in what ifs.  The past is the past and the experiences and events that took place during your past have made you who you are today.  There isn't any doubt about that and I would argue strongly that my dad's passing has had a strong influence on my personality, beliefs, and overall character.  So would it be safe to say that my cousin needed the death of his son to give him the strength for something later in his life?  Was that the purpose of my baby cousin's existence?  I don't know, but again... the idea is interesting to say the least.

After my baby cousin was buried, I had to get out of there.  I'm sorry to all those that I didn't say bye to but I just couldn't be there.  It pained me to see a physically tough guy like my cousin be in tears.  It hurt me to see his wife storm up to the groundskeeper and snatch the water hose away from him so that she can water the grass over her son.  It was tough to watch and not get choked up.  My thoughts and prayers are still with them and the family, but I also wanted to compose a little something for the latest angel up in heaven.

A BABY ANGEL

A flutter of butterflies

A kick and a turn

A bundle of joy

To love and to yearn

A gift sent from heaven

With smiles all around

We eagerly await your arrival

And to hear your crying sound

But it was never meant to be

A carrying mother's worst fears

You were summoned back by God

And left a family full of tears

Confusion, devastation, and anger

Many questions left unanswered

Sadness, sorrow, and despair

Would any reasoning be absurd

Even though we don't understand why

We know you are in good hands

Friends and family await you

Why question His plans

You may not be here physically

But no one will ever forget

The few moments of joy you gave us

The memories that you helped set

Heaven has a new Angel

A fitting name for a young one

We all love and miss you dearly

That love will never come undone

No worries little buddy, you have some pretty awesome company up there to hang out and watch over you.  And a word from the wise, watch out for my dad's COSCORRONES!!!  Later.